The Complete Edition of Murphy's Laws

Copyright © 1997 by Andreas Götz

[ A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | X | Y | Z ]

A

Abbott's Admonitions

If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
Abrams's Advice: When eating an elephant, take one bite at a time.
Absolute Principal: Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes to the bone.
Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.; Corollary - Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.
Acheson's Rule of the Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
Acton's Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Ade's Law: Anybody can win -- unless there happens to be a second entry.
Law of Adult Opportunity: Opportunity always knocks at the least appropriate moment.
Advanced Systems News Letter: The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.
Agnes Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
Law of Airports: The distance to the gate is inversely proportional to the time available to catch the flight.
Alan's Law of Research: The theory is supported as long as the funds are.
Albrecht's Law: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well being.
Alfred's Law of NIMBY'ism [Not in my back yard]: The guy holding the biggest sign demanding that the freeway be torn down moved in six years after it was constructed.
Law of Algebra: You never catch on until after the test.
Algren's Precepts: Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Law of Alienation: Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.
Alinsky's Rule For Radicals: Those who are most moral are farthest from the problem.
Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, follow instructions.
Allen's Biblical Distinction (Allen's Distinction): The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won' t get much sleep.
Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Allen's Law of Civilization: It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
Alley's Axiom: Justice always prevails... three times out of seven.
Alligator Allegory: The objective of all dedicated product support employees should be to thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon. However, when you are up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
Alligator Principle: When you are up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
Allison's Precept: The best simple-minded test of expertise in a particular area is the ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences in that area.
Law of Ambition: At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and businessmen -- as well as congressmen, senators, and governors -- are dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
Anderson's Law: Any system or problem, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
Andrew's Canoeing Postulate: No matter which direction you start, it's always against the wind coming back.
Law of Annoyance: When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly.
Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.
Corollary - On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first and always strike your toes.
Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.
The Aquinas Axiom: What the gods get away with, the cows don't.
The Arithmetic of Cooperation: When you're adding up committees there's a useful rule of thumb: that talents make a difference, and follies make a sum.
Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Army Law: If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it.
Arnold's First Law of Documentation: If it should exist, it doesn't.
Arnold's Second Law of Documentation: If it does exist, it's out of date.
Arnold's Third Law of Documentation: Only useless documentation transcends the first two laws.
Ashleigh's First Law: If you can't learn to do it well, you should learn to enjoy doing it badly.
Ashley-Perry Statistical Axioms

Numbers are tools, not rules.
Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the same.
Skill in manipulating numbers is a talent, not evidence of divine guidance.
Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.
The product of an arithmetical computation is the answer to an equation; it is not the solution to a problem.
Arithmetical proofs of theorems that do not have arithmetical bases prove nothing.
Law of Assembly: Interchangeable parts won't.
Astrology Law: It's always the wrong time of the month.
Atlas's Laws of Medical Research

Successful research attracts the bigger grant which makes further research impossible.
The progress of science varies inversely with the number of journals published.
Attila's Instruction: Always remember to pillage before you burn.
Attorneys Operating Principle: Any simple idea must be worded in the most complicated way.
Atwoods Corollary: No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.
Law of Attraction: Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
Avery's Observation: It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
Avery's Rule of Three: Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of a brand new series of three.
Avian Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Axiom of Promotions: What gets you promoted on one level will get you fired on another.
Axiom of the Pipe. (Trischmann's Paradox): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

B

Babcock's Law: If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.
Baer's Quartet: What's good politics is bad economics; what's bad politics is good economics; what's good economics is bad politics; what's bad economics is good politics.
Bagdikian's Law of Editor's Speeches: The splendor of an editor's speech and the splendor of his newspaper are inversely related to the distance between the city in which he makes his speech and the city in which he publishes his paper.
Baker's Byroad: When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.
Baker's Law: Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
Baldy's Law: Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
The Banana Principle: If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten.
Bankers Axiom: In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
Bankers Lament: Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check
Law of Banks: The other line always moves faster. In order to get a loan you must first prove that you don't need it.
Barber's Laws of Backpacking

The integral of the gravitational potential taken around any loop trail you choose to hike always comes out positive.
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.
The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it. If you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway.
The number of stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
The difficulty of finding any given trail marker is directly proportional to the importance of the consequences of failing to find it.
The size of each of the stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
The remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains constant as twilight approaches.
The net weight of your boots is proportional to the cube of the number of hours you have been on the trail.
When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full.
If you take your boots off, you'll never get them back on again.
The local density of mosquitos is inversely proportional to your remaining repellent.
Barr's Comment on Domestic Tranquillity: On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone can be unhappy -- but we'll work on it.
Barrett's Laws of Driving

You can get ANYWHERE in ten minutes if you go fast enough.
Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the desired restraining speed.
The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
This lane ends in 500 feet.
Barth's Distinction (Benchley's Law of Distinction): There are two classes of people: those who divide people into two classes, and those who don't.
Bartz's Law of Hokey Horsepuckery: The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.
Baruch's Rule for Determining Old Age: Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
Barzun's Laws of Learning

The simple but difficult arts of paying attention, copying accurately, following an argument, detecting an ambiguity or a false inference, testing guesses by summoning up contrary instances, organizing one's time and one's thought for study - all these arts - cannot be taught in the air but only through the difficulties of a defined subject. They cannot be taught in one course or one year, but must be acquired gradually in dozens of connections.
The analogy to athletics must be pressed until all recognize that in the exercise of Intellect those who lack the muscles, coordination, and will power can claim no place at the training table, let alone on the playing field.
Forthoffer's Cynical Summary of Barzun's Laws

That which has not yet been taught directly can never be taught directly.
If at first you don't succeed, you will never succeed.
Basic Baggage Principle: Whichever carousel you stand near, your baggage will arrive on another one.
Law of Basic Money Dynamics: A surprise monetary windfall will be accompanied by an unexpected expense of the same amount.
Baxter's First Law (Baxter's Free Market Laws): Government intervention in the free market always leads to a lower national standard of living.
Baxter's Second Law: The adoption of fractional gold reserves in a currency system always leads to depreciation, devaluation, demonetization and, ultimately, to complete destruction of that currency.
Baxter's Third Law: In a free market good money always drives bad money out of circulation.
Beard's addendum to interstate travel: The palatability index of any food is inversely proportional to the distance and number of times the restaurant advertises prior to the designated stop.
Beardsley's Warning to Lawyers: Beware of and eschew pompous prolixity.
Beauregard's First Law: When you're up to your nose in it, keep your mouth shut.
Beauregard's Second Law: All people are cremated equal.
Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, and (3) a better looking and richer male friend.
Belle's Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.
Benchley's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
Benchley's Law: Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
Berkeley's Laws

The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be.
Ignorance is no excuse.
Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman.
Information which is true meets a great many different tests very well.
Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer.
An answer may be wrong, right, both, or neither. Most answers are partly right and partly wrong.
A chain of reasoning is no stronger than its weakest link.
A statement may be true independently of illogical reasoning.
Most general statements are false, including this one.
An exception TESTS a rule; it NEVER PROVES it.
The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it -- it probably isn't right.
If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made.
Being sure mistakes will occur is a good frame of mind for catching them.
Check the answer you have worked out once more -- before you tell it to anybody.
Estimating a figure may be enough to catch an error.
Figures calculated in a rush are very hot; they should be allowed to cool off a little before being used; thus we will have a reasonable time to think about the figures and catch mistakes.
A great many problems do not have accurate answers, but do have approximate answers, from which sensible decisions can be made.
Bernstein's First Law: Buttered bread tends to fall with the buttered side down.
Bernstein's Second Law: A falling body always rolls to the most inaccessible spot.
Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching.
Berson's Corollary of Inverse Distances: The farther away from the entrance that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door.
Bicycle Law: All bicycles weigh 50 pounds:; A 30-pound bicycle needs a 20-pound lock and chain.; A 40-pound bicycle needs a 10-pound lock and chain.; A 50-pound bicycle needs no lock or chain.
First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
The Billings Phenomenon: The conclusions of most good operations research studies are obvious.
Billings's Law: Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
Blanchard's Newspaper Obituary Law: If you want your name spelled wrong, die.
Blauw's Law: Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
Law of Blissful Ignorance: What you don't know will always hurt you.
Bok's Law: If you think education is expensive -- try ignorance.
Boling's Postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Bolton's Law of Ascending Budgets: Under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess.
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Bonafede's Revelation: The conventional wisdom is that power is an aphrodisiac. In truth, it's exhausting.
Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.
Booker's Law: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
Boozer's Revision: A bird in the hand is dead.
Boren's Laws of the Bureaucracy

When in doubt, mumble.
When in trouble, delegate.
When in charge, ponder.
Borkowski's Law: You can't guard against the arbitrary.
Borstelmann's Rule: If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
Boston's Irreversible Law of Clutter: In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage.
Boultbee's Criterion: If the converse of a statement is absurd, the original statement is an insult to the intelligence and should never have been said.
Bove's Theorem: The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
Boyle's Laws

The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination.
When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.
The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original.
When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file.
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interpreted as managerial ability.
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinates' premonitions only during the postmortems.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
On successive charts of the same organization the number of boxes will never decrease.
Boyle's Observation: A welfare state is one that assumes responsibility for the health, happiness, and general well; being of all its citizens except the taxpayers.
Boyle's Other Law: The first pull on the cord ALWAYS sends the drapes in the wrong direction.
Branch's First Law of Crisis: The spirit of public service will rise, and the bureaucracy will multiply itself much faster, in time of grave national concern.
First Law of Bridge: It's always the partner's fault.
Brien's First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Brigg's Law of Traffic: At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
Brinks's Observation: No armored car loaded with bags of money ever turned over and spilled its load in the street, in a good neighborhood.
Broder's Law: Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
Brontosaurus Principle: Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in relation to their environment and to their own physiology; when this occurs, they are an endangered species.
Brook's Laws

If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
Adding manpower to late software makes it later.
Brooks' First Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Brooks' Second Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, someone discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
(Jerry) Brown's Law: Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
(Sam) Brown's Law: Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
(Tony) Brown's Law of Business Success: Our customer's paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss.
Brownian Motion Rule of Bureaucracies: It is impossible to distinguish, from a distance, whether the bureaucrats associated with your project are simply sitting on their hands, or frantically trying to cover their asses.; Heisenberg's Addendum to Brownian Bureaucracy: If you observe a bureaucrat closely enough to make the distinction above, he will react to your observation by covering his ass.
Bruce-Briggs's Law of Traffic: At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
Bryson's Law of Repairs

Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.
If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up.
Buchwald's Law: As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
The Bumper To Bumper Theorem: Traffic congestion increases in proportion to the length of time the street is supervised by a traffic control officer.
Bunuel's Law: Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.
Law of Bureaucracy: When a problem goes away, the people working to solve it do not.
Bureaucratic Cop-Out #1: You should have seen it when *I* got it.
Burns's Balance: If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions aren't likely to be very good.
Bus Transportation Laws

The bus that left the stop just before you got there is your bus.
The amount of time you have to wait for a bus is directly proportional to the inclemency of the weather.
All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the earth and never return.
The last rush-hour express bus to your neighborhood leaves five minutes before you get off work.
Bus schedules are arranged so your bus will arrive at the transfer point precisely one minute after the connecting bus has left.
Any bus that can be the wrong bus will be the wrong bus. All others are out of service or full.
Business Maxims

No matter how low you bid the job there is always an idiot out there willing to do it for less.
The more you cut your price to get business, the more likely you are to go out of business.
The more you try to compete on a price basis the lower your prices will go. Corollary: Your income will follow.
The bigger your yellow pages ad , the more low priced calls from non-repeat customers you will get.
Increasing your ad size increases the percentage of low profit calls you get.
The prize for beating out all of your competitors for the biggest most expensive ad in all of the different yellow pages books is bankruptcy.
The more you advertise that you have 24 hour service, the more security guards and insomniacs will call you in the middle of the night with requests for price quotations.
Advertise as a 24 hour service and you will get angry calls from people who stopped by your shop at four in the morning and you weren't there.
Your best apprentice will quit and open a shop across the street and cut your prices.
The one who is un-trainable will stay with you forever.
Bustlin' Billy's Bogus Beliefs

The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who develop it.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
Capitalism can exist in one of only two states -- welfare or warfare.
I'd rather go whoring than warring.
History proves nothing.
There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.
A little humility is arrogance.
A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much technological rococo.
Butler's Law of Progress: All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Bye's Second Law of Model Railroading: The desire for modeling a prototype is inversely proportional to the decline of the prototype.

C

Cafeteria Law

The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in will be taken by the person in front of you.

Cahn's Axiom (Allen's Axiom)

When all else fails, read the instructions.

Calkin's Law of Menu Language

The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the resulting dish.

Camp's Law

A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.

Campbell's Law

Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.

Canada Bill Jones's Motto

It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Canada Bill Jones's Supplement

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

Cannon's Cogent Comment

The leak in the roof is never in the same location as the drip.

Cannon's Comment

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Captain Penny's Law

You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool MOM.

The Cardinal Conundrum

An optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears that this is true.

Carpenters Law

If you have only one nail, it will bend.

Carson's Law

It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

Cartoon Laws

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary - A cat will assume the shape of its container.
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
Everything falls faster than an anvil. Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.

Cavanaugh's Postulate

All kookies are not in a jar.

Cayo's Law

The only things that start on time are those that you're late for.

Chappaquidick Theorem

The sooner and in more detail you announce the bad news, the better.

Law of Character and Appearance

People don't change; they only become more so.

Chase's Contentions

The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be correct.
Whenever two hypotheses cover the facts, use the simpler of the two.
Cut the crap. A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

Chase's Observations of Human Belief

The most preposterous notion that Homo Sapiens has ever dreamed up is that there is a Lord God of Creation.
That this God is the shaper and ruler of all the universe.
That this God lives up in the sky.
That this God wants the saccharine adoration of his creatures and can be swayed by their prayers.
That this God becomes petulant if He does not receive this flattery;
Conclusion - This absurd fantasy, without a shred of evidence to bolster it, pays all the expenses of the oldest, largest, and least productive industry in all history.

Chase's Rule For Success

Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you when things go wrong.

Chases Laws of Car Repairs

Leakproof seals- will.
Self starters -won't.
Interchangeable parts-won't.
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.
After you have repaired it yourself you will have one small part left over that doesn't go anywhere.
Every automobile comes with a build in abyss which things that you have dropped fall into, never to be seen again.

Checkbook Balancer's Law

In matters of dispute, the bank's balance is always smaller than yours.

Cheops's Law

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Chesterton's Observation

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Chili Cook's Secret

If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.

Chisholm's First Law and Corollary

see Murphy's Third and Fifth Laws.

Chisholm's Second Law

When things are going well, something will go wrong.

Corollaries:

When things just can't get any worse, they will.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Chisholm's Third Law

Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.

Corollaries:

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is listening.

Churchill's Commentary on Man

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on as though nothing has happened.

Ciardi's Poetry Law

Whenever in time, and wherever in the universe, any man speaks or writes in any detail about the technical management of a poem, the resulting irascibility of the reader's response is a constant.

Cirino's Law of Burnt Fingers

Hot glass looks the same as cold glass.

Clark's First Law of Relativity

No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-laws, you will lose a small fortune in the exchange.

Corollary - Don't try it: you cannot drink enough of your in-laws' booze to get even before your liver fails.

Clark's Law

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

Clarke's First Law

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

Corollary (Asimov) - When the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists, and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion -- the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, right.

Clarke's Second Law

The limits of the possible can only be defined by going beyond them into the impossible.

Clarke's Third Law

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas

Every revolutionary idea -- in Science, Politics, Art or Whatever -- evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the three phrases:

"It is completely impossible -- don't waste my time."
"It is possible, but it is not worth doing."
"I said it was a good idea all along."

Cleveland's Highway Law

Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work.

Clopton's Law

For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.

Clyde's Law

If you have something to do, and put it off long enough, chances are that someone else will do it for you.

Cohen's Law

What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts -- not the facts themselves.

Cohen's Laws of Politics

Law of Alienation

Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.

Law of Ambition

At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and businessmen -- as well as congressmen, senators, and governors -- are dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.

Law of Attraction

Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.

Law of Competition

The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.

Law of Inside Dope

There are many inside dopes in politics and government.

Law of Lawmaking

Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.

Law of Permanence

Political power is as permanent as today's newspaper. Ten years from now, few will know or care who the most powerful man in any state was today.

Law of Secrecy

The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.

Law of Wealth

Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial resources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side.

Law of Wisdom

Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.

Cohn's Law

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Cole's Axiom

The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Cole's Law

Thinly sliced cabbage.

Colson's Law

When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Comin's Law

People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Committee Law

A committee is the only life form with 12 stomachs and no brain.
A camel is a horse which was designed by a committee
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
A committee is twelve people doing the work of one.

Committee Rules

Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.

Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology

No action is without side-effects.
Nothing ever goes away.
There is no free lunch.

Compensation Corollary

The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurments must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with theory.

Law of Competition

The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.

Law of Computability

Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.

Law of Computability Applied to Social Science (Brook's Law)

If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.

Conference Principle

The speaker with the most monotonous voice speaks after the big meal.

Connolly's Law of Cost Control

The price of any product produced for a government agency will be not less than the square of the initial Firm Fixed-Price Contract.

Connolly's Rule for Political Incumbents

Short-term success with voters on any side of a given issue can be guaranteed by creating a long-term special study commission made up of at least three divergent interest groups.

Conrad's Conundrum (Stentson's Law)

Technologie don't transfer.

Considine's Law

Whenever one word or letter can change the entire meaning of a sentence, the probability of an error being made will be in direct proportion to the embarrassment it will cause.

Consultation Law

The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

Law of Consumer Economics

If the shoe fits, it's ugly. If it's good, they discontinue it.

Conway's Law

In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Conway's Law #1

If you assign N persons to write a compiler you'll get a N-1 pass compiler.

Conway's Law #2

In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Cook's Law

Much work, much food; little work, little food; no work, burial at sea.

Cook's Laws of Travel

When packing for a vacation, take half as much clothing and twice as much money.
Nothing can be done in one trip.
If you have the time, you won't have the money. If you have the money you won't have the time.

Cooke's Law

In any decisive situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.

Coolidge's Immutable Observation

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.

Cooper's Law

All machines are amplifiers.

Cooper's Metalaw

A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.

Corcoroni's Laws of Bus Transportation

The bus that left the stop just before you got there is your bus.
The amount of time you have to wait for a bus is directly proportional to the inclemency of the weather.
All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the earth and never return.
The last rush-hour express bus to your neighborhood leaves five minutes before you get off work.
Bus schedules are arranged so your bus will arrive at the transfer point precisely one minute after the connecting bus has left.
Any bus that can be the wrong bus will be the wrong bus. All others are out of service or full.

Cornuelle's Law

Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.

Law of Correctibility

No matter how well you perform your job, a superior will seek to modify the results.

Corry's Law

Paper is always strongest at the perforations.

Cosmetologist's Principle

Whenever you need to stop at a light to put on makeup, every light will be green.

Courtois's Rule

If people listened to themselves more often, they'd talk less.

Crane's Law (Friedman's Reiteration)

There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. ("tanstaafl")

Crane's Rule

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Cripp's Law

When traveling with children on one's holidays, at least one child of any number of children will request a rest room stop exactly halfway between any two given rest areas.

Cropp's Law

The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.

Culshaw's First Principle of Recorded Sound

Anything, no matter how bad, will sound good if played back at a very high level for a short time.

Cutler Webster's Law

There are two sides to every argument unless a man is personally involved, in which case there is only one.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology

There's always one more bug.

Czecinski's Conclusion

There is only one thing worse than dreaming you are at a conference and waking to find that you are at a conference, and that is the conference where you can't fall asleep.

D

Danforth's Rules of Random Selection

Never be first
Never be last.
Never volunteer for anything.
Darrow's Observation: History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history.
Darwin's Observation: Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.
Dave's Law of Advice: Those with the best advice offer no advice.
Dave's Rule of Street Survival: Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
Davidson's Maxim: Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.
Davis's Basic Law of Medicine: Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.
Dawson's Rules of Superior Inferiority

Don't let your superiors know that your are better than they are.
You never know who's right but you always know who's in charge.
Deadline-Dan's Demo Demonstration: The higher the ``higher-ups'' are who've come to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one.
Deadlock's Law: If the law-makers make a compromise, the place where it will be felt most is the taxpayer's pocket.; Corollary - The compromise will always be more expensive than either of the suggestions it is compromising.
Dean Martin's Definition of Drunkenness: You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean's Law of the District of Columbia: Washington is a much better place if you are asking questions rather than answering them.
First Law of Debate: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
Decaprio's Rule: Everything takes more time and money.
Deitz's Law of Ego: The fury engendered by the misspelling of a name in a column is in direct ratio to the obscurity of the mentionee.
Demian's Observation: There is always one item on the screen menu thatis mislabeled and should read "`Abandon all hope Ye who enter here".
Dennis's Principles of Management by Crisis

To get action out of management, it is necessary to create the illusion of a crisis in the hope it will be acted upon.
Management will select actions or events and convert them to crises. It will then over-react.
Management is incapable of recognizing a true crisis.
The squeaky hinge gets the oil.
Denniston's Law: Virtue is its own punishment.
Fifth Law of Design: Design flaws travel in groups.
Dhawan's Laws for the Non-Smoker

The cigarette smoke always drifts in the direction of the non-smoker regardless of the direction of the breeze.
The amount of pleasure derived from a cigarette is directly proportional to the number of non-smokers in the vicinity.
A smoker is always attracted to the non-smoking section.
The life of a cigarette is directly proportional to the intensity of the protests from non-smokers.
Dictum: One should always prefer the probable impossible to the improbable possible.
Dieter's Law: Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.
Dijkstra's Prescription for Programming Inertia: If you don't know what your program is supposed to do, you'd better not start writing it.
Diners Dilemmas

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
The hardness of butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the roll.
Dingle's Law: When someone drops something, everybody will kick it around instead of picking it up.
Diogenes's First Dictum: The more heavily a man is supposed to be taxed, the more power he has to escape being taxed.
Diogenes's Second Dictum: If a taxpayer thinks he can cheat safely, he probably will.
Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics

Get elected.
Get re-elected.
Don't get mad -- get even.
The First Discovery of Christmas Morning: Batteries not included.
The First Discovery of Christmas Afternoon: Give a kid a new toy- Dad will play with the toy, the kid will play with the box it came in.
Doc's Laws of Automotive Repair

If you can reach the faulty part, you don't have the tool to get it off.
Quality is inversely proportional to the time left to complete the job.
If it jams-force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyhow.
Law of Doctoring: It never heals correctly.
Dolly Parton's Principle: The bigger they are, the harder it is to see your shoes.
Donohue's Law: Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
Donsen's Law: The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing; whereas the generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.
Dooley's Law: Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
Douglas's Law of Practical Aeronautical design: When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the plane will fly.
Douglas's Law of Practical Aeronautics: When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the plane will fly.
Dow's Law: In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
First Law of Driving: There is no traffic until you start to back out of your driveway.
Law of Driving Dynamics: The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional to the length of the passing zone.
Dror's First Law: While the difficulties and dangers of problems tend to increase at a geometric rate, the knowledge and manpower qualified to deal with these problems tend to increase linearly.
Dror's Second Law: While human capacities to shape the environment, society, and human beings are rapidly increasing, policymaking capabilities to use those capacities remain the same.
Dryer's Law of Timing: If you're early, it'll be canceled. If you knock yourself out to be on time you will have to wait. If you're late, you will be too late.
Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Dude's Law of Duality: Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.
Dunn's Discovery: The shortest measurable interval of time is the time between the moment one puts a little extra aside for a sudden emergency and the arrival of that emergency.
Dunne's Law: The territory behind rhetoric is too often mined with equivocation.
Durant's Discovery: One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
Durrell's Parameter: The faster the plane, the narrower the seats.
Dyer's Law: A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
Dykstra's Law: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

E

Law of economic dispersion

The one you want is never the one on sale. If you like it, they don't have it in your size. You never want the one you can afford.

Economists' Laws

What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history.
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.

Ed Yourdonradar's Fundamental Truth

The grass is brown on both sides of the fence.

Ed's Fifth Rule of Procrastination

Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear.

Edds Law of Radiology

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body you are required to place on it.

Edington's Theory

The number of different hypotheses erected to explain a given biological phenomenon is inversely proportional to the available knowledge.

Law of Editorial Correction

Anyone nit-picking enough to write a letter of correction to an editor doubtless deserves the error that provoked it.

Ehre's Double-Door Law

In approaching a double door, you will always go to the one door that is locked, pull when you should have pushed, and push when the sign says pull.

Ehrlich's Rule

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

Ehrman's Commentary

Things will get worse before they will get better. Who said things would get better?

Ehrman's Commentary on Ginberg's Theorem

Things will get worse before they get better.
Who said things would get better?

Electronic theorem of television sets

A $300 picture tube will protect a 10½ fuse by blowing first

Elena's Laws of Animal Behavior

The probability of a cat eating it's dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food placed before it.

Eliot's Observation

Nothing is so good as it seems beforehand.

Ellenberg's Theory

One good turn gets most of the blanket.

Emerson's Insight

That which we call sin in others is experiment for us.

Eng's Principles

The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.

The "Enough Already" Law

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

Law of Entropy

If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel full of sewage you get sewage. If you put a spoonful of sewage into a barrel full of wine you still get sewage.

Epstein's Law

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

Erhard's Contention

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

Erskines Observation on Government Procurement

An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.

Etorre's Observation

The other line moves faster.

Corollary - Don't try to change lines. The other line -- the one you were in originally -- will then move faster.

Ettorre's Observation

The other line moves faster.

Evans's Law

Nothing worth a damn is ever done as a matter of principle. (If it is worth doing, it is done because it is worth doing. If it is not, it's done as a matter of principle.)

Evans's Law of Politics

When team members are finally in a position to help the team, it turns out they have quit the team.

Eve's Discovery

At a bargain sale, the only suit or dress that you like best and that fits is the one not on sale.

Adam's Corollary - It's easy to tell when you've got a bargain -- it doesn't fit.

Evelyn's Rules for Bureaucratic Survival

A bureaucrat's castle is his desk... and parking place. Proceed cautiously when changing either.
On the theory that one should never take anything for granted, follow up on everything, but especially those items varying from the norm. The greater the divergence from normal routine and/or the greater the number of offices potentially involved, the better the chance a never-to-be-discovered person will file the problem away in a drawer specifically designed for items requiring a decision.
Never say without qualification that your activity has sufficient space, money, staff, etc.
Always distrust offices not under your jurisdiction which say that they are there to serve you. "Support" offices in a bureaucracy tend to grow in size and make demands on you out of proportion to their service, and in the end require more effort on your part than their service is worth.
Corollary - Support organizations can always prove success by showing service to someone... not necessarily you.
Incompetents often hire able assistants.

Everitt's Form of the Second Law of Thermodynamics

Confusion (entropy) is always increasing in society. Only if someone or something works extremely hard can this confusion be reduced to order in a limited region. Nevertheless, this effort will stil result in an increase in the total confusion of society at large.

Evvie Nef's Law

There is a solution to every problem; the only difficulty is finding it.

Experiential Law

Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.

First Law of Expert Advice

Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.

Extended Epstein-Heisenberg Principle

In an R & D orbit, only 2 of the existing 3 parameters can be defined simultaneously. The parameters are: task, time, and resources ($).

If one knows what the task is, and there is a time limit allowed for the completion of the task, then one cannot guess how much it will cost.
If the time and resources ($) are clearly defined, then it is impossible to know what part of the R & D task will be performed.
If you are given a clearly defined R & D goal and a definte amount of money which has been calculated to be necessary for the completion of the task, one cannot predict if and when the goal will be reached.
If one is lucky enough to be able to accurately define all three parameters, then what one is dealing with is not in the realm of R & D.

Extended Murphy's Law

If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in the worst possible sequence.

F

Faber's Laws

If there isn't a law, there will be.
The number of errors in any piece of writing rises in proportion to the writer's reliance on secondary sources.

Rule of Failure

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you have tried.

Fairfax's Law

Any facts which, when included in the argument, give the desired result, are fair facts for the argument.

Falkland's Rule

When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.

Law of Fallibility

Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.

Farber's Laws

Give him an inch and he'll screw you.
A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else.
We're all going down the same road in different directions.
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

Farmer's Comment

If you mess with something long enough, it'll break.

Farnsdick's corollary

After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

Farrow's Finding

If God had intended for us to go to concerts, He would have given us tickets.

Law of Fashion

Any given dress is: indecent 10 years before its time, daring 1 year before its time, chic in its time, dowdy 3 years after its time, hideous 20 years after its time, amusing 30 years after its time, romantic 100 years after its time, and beautiful 150 years after its time.

Faust's First Law of Synergism

The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut on the market.

Featherkile's Rule

Whatever you did, that's what you planned to do.

Rule of Feline Frustration

When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

Feline Law

A cat walking into a room containing twelve seated people will jump into the lap of the person who hates cats the most.

Femo's Law Of Automotive Engine Repairing

If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.

Ferguson's Precept

A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."

Fetridge's Law

Important things that are supposed to happen do not happen, especially when people are looking.

Fett's Law of the Lab

Never replicate a successful experiment.

Fett's Law of the Lab (Fett's Law)

Never replicate a successful experiment.

Finagle's Creed

Science is Truth. Don't be misled by fact.

Finagle's First Law

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Second Law

No matter what the experiment's result, there will always be someone eager to:

Finagle's Third Law

In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

Corollaries

No one whom you ask for help will see it.
Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately.

Finagle's Fourth Law

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

Finagle's Law According to Niven

The perversity of the universe tends to a maximum.

Finagle's Laws of Information

The information you have is not what you want.
The information you want is not what you need.
The information you need is not what you can obtain.
The information you can obtain costs more than you want to pay.

Finagle's Rules

Ever since the first scientific experiment, man has been plagued by the increasing antagonism of nature. It seems only right that nature should be logical and neat, but experience has shown that this is not the case. A further series of rules has been formulated, designed to help man accept the pigheadedness of nature.

To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working.
Always draw your curves, then plot the reading.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Law of Continuity
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
Correspondence Corollary
An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half of your data must be discarded to obtain
When you don't know what you are doing, do it NEATLY.
Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
Always verify your witchcraft.
Be sure to obtain meteorological data before leaving on vacation.
Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.

Finnigan's Law

In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking is the mistake.

Finster's Law

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Firestone's Law of Forcasting

Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Firth's Law of Tailoring

No matter how many alterations, cheap pants never fit.

Fishbein's Conclusion

The tire is only flat on the bottom.

Fitz-Gibbon's Law

Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks involved with the broth.

Flagle's Law of the Perversity of Inanimate Objects (Flap's Law)

Any inanimate object, regardless of its composition or configuration, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner, for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious.

Flaw of Long-Range Planning

The longer ahead you plan a special event, and the more special it is, the more likely it is to go wrong.

Flip Wilson's Law

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickles in the machine.

Law For Free-Lance Artists

A high paying rush job will come in only after you've committed to a low paying rush job.
All rush jobs are due the same day.
The rush job you spent all night on won't be picked up by the customer for two days. Anything is easier to take apart than to put together

Ford Pinto Rule

Never buy a car that has a wick.

Formula for Public Office Survival

Exploit the inevitable (which means, take credit for anything good which happens whether you had anything to do with it or not).
Don't disturb the perimeter (meaning don't stir up a mess unless you can be sure of the result).
Stay in with the Outs (the Ins will make so many mistakes, you can't afford to alienate the Outs).
Go where the money is.

Forsyth's Second Corollary to Murphy's Laws

Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.

Forthoffer's Cynical Summary of Barzun's Laws

That which has not yet been taught directly can never be taught directly.

If at first you don't succeed, you will never succeed.

Fortis's Three Great Lies of Life

Money isn't everything.
It's great to be a Negro.
I'm only going to put it in a little way.

Foster's Law

If you cover a congressional committee on a regular basis, they will report the bill on your day off.

Fourteenth Corollary of Atwood's General Law of Dynamic Negatives

No books are lost by loaning except those you particularly wanted to keep.

Fowler's Law

In a bureaucracy, accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper used.

Fowler's Note

The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.

Frankel's Law

Whatever happens in government could have happened differently, and it usually would have been better if it had.

Corollary - Once things have happened, no matter how accidentally, they will be regarded as manifestations of an unchangeable Higher Reason.

Franklin's Observation

He that lives upon Hope dies farting.

Franklin's Rule

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.

Fred Allen's Motto

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.

Freddie's Laws of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is directly proportional to:

The number of persons in the group you are with.
The distance you must reach to scratch it.
The more embarrassing the place that must be scratched.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginberg's Theorem

Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit:

Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Freeman's Rule

Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood.

Freemon's Rule

Circumstances can force a generalized incompetent to become competent, at least in a specialized field.

Fried's Law

Ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.

Law of Friendship

Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.

Frisch's Law

You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Frothingham's Fallacy

Time is money.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition

If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.

Fulton's Law

When you need to knock on wood is when you discover that the world is made of aluminum, vinyl and fiberglass.

Fundamental Tenet of Reform

Reforms come from below. No man with four aces howls for a new deal.

Funkhouser's Law of the Power of the Press

The quality of legislation passed to deal with a problem is inversely proportional to the volume of media clamor that brought it on.

The Futility Factor (Carson's Consolation)

No experiment is ever a complete failure -- it can always serve as a bad example, or the exception that proves the rule (but only if it is the first experiment in the series).

Law of Future Results

Nothing ever comes out as planned.

Fyffe's Axiom

The problem-solving process will always break down at the point at which it is possible to determine who caused the problem.

G

Gadarene Swine Law

Merely because the group is in formation does not mean that the group is on the right course.

Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom

Anyone who says he isn't going to resign, four times, definitely will.

Galbraith's Law of Prominence

Getting on the cover of "Time" guarantees the existence of opposition in the future.

Gallois's Revelation

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes back out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize it.
Corollary - An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the Grand Fallacy.

Gardner's Rule of Society

The society which scorns excellence in plumbing because plumbing is a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy. Neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.

Garfinkle's Law of Quality

of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.

Gell-Mann's Dictum

Whatever isn't forbidden is required.

Corollary - If there's no reason why something shouldn't exist, then it must exist.

Law of General Assistance

In dealing with their own problems, helping professionals are the most extreme conservatives.. In dealing with the problems of others, they are the most extreme liberals.

Law of Generalizations

All generalizations are false.

Gerrold's Fundamental Truth

It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials.

Gerrold's Law

A little ignorance can go a long way.

Lyall's Addendum ...in the direction of maximum harm.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics

An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
The energy required to change either one of the states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

Gerrold's Pronouncement

The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

Gershwin's Law

It ain't necessarily so.

Getty's Reminder

The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.

Gibb's Law

Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.

Gilb's Laws of Unreliability (see also Troutman's Laws of Computer Programming)

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Corollary - At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
The only difference between the fool and the criminal who attacks a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front.
A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than of simplification, until the resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.
Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they are used.
The error-detection and correction capabilities of any system will serve as the key to understanding the type of errors which they cannot handle.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise -- which is impossible.
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or somebody insists on getting some useful work done.

Gilmer's Motto for Political Leadership

Look over your shoulder now and then to be sure someone's following you.

Ginsberg's Theorems (Generalized Laws of Thermodynamics or Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics)

You can't win.
You can't break even.
You can't even quit the game.

Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness

The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.

Glyme's Formula for Success

The secret of success is sincerity. Onceyou can fake that, you've got it made.

Godin's Law

Generalizedness of incompetence is directly proportional to highestness in hierarchy.

(Vic) Gold's Law

The candidate who is expected to do well because of experience and reputation (Douglas, Nixon) must do BETTER than well, while the candidate expected to fare poorly (Lincoln, Kennedy) can put points on the media board simply by surviving.

(Bill) Gold's Law

A column about errors will contain errors.

Gold's Law

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Golden Principle

Nothing will be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.

The Golden Rule

He who has the gold, makes the rules.

The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences

Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Goldstein's Law

In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.

Goldwyn's Law of Contracts

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Golub's Laws of Computerdom

Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; if carefully planned, it will take only twice as long.
The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time.
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

The 19 Rules for Good Riting

Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
Just between you and I, case is important.
Verbs has to agree with their subject.
Watch out for irregular verbs which has cropped up into our language.
Don't use no double negatives.
A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
When dangling, don't use participles.
Join clauses good like a conjunction should.
And don't use conjunctions to start sentences.
Don't use a run-on sentence you got to punctuate it.
About sentence fragments.
In letters themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep strings apart.
Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
Its important to use apostrophe's right.
Don't abbrev.
Check to see if you any words out.
In my opinion I think that the author when he is writing should not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words which he does not really need.
Then, of course, there's that old one: Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.

Goodfader's Law

Under any system, a few sharpies will beat the rest of us.

Goodin's Law of Conversions

The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected and out.

Goodman's Law of Value

The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

Gordon's Dictum of Direction Giving

The possibility of getting lost is directly proportional to the number of times the direction-giver says "you can't miss it".

Gordon's First Law

If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.

Goulden's Axiom of the Bouncing Can

If you drop a full can of beer, and remember to rap the top sharply with your knuckle prior to opening, the ensuing gush of foam will be between 89 and 94 percent of the volume that would splatter you if you didn't do a damned thing and went ahead and pulled the top immediately.

Goulden's Law of Jury Watching

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than 24 hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances when it votes guilty.

Government's Law

There is an exception to all laws.

Grabel's Law

2 is not equal to 3 - not even for very large values of 2.

Graditor's Laws

If it can break, it will, but only after the warranty expires.
A necessary item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price.

Grandma Soderquist's Conclusion

A chicken doesn't stop scratching just because the worms are scarce.

Gray's Law of Bilateral Asymmetry in Networks

Information flows efficiently through organizations, except that bad news encounters high impedance in flowing upward.

Gray's Law of Programming

N+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as N trivial tasks.

Loggs Rebuttal - N+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as N trivial tasks for N sufficiently large.

Rule of the Great

When someone you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch.

Law of The Great Idea

The only time you come up with a great solution is after somebody else has solved the problem.

Green's Law of Debate

Anything is possible if you don't know what you'retalking about.

Greenberg's First Law of Influence

Usefulness is inversely proportional to reputation for being useful.

Greener's Law

Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Greenhaus's Summation

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Gresham's Law

Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never resolved.

Greshams Observations

On the theory that one should never take anything for granted, follow up on everything, but especially those items varying from the norm.
The greater the divergence from normal routine and/or the greater the number of offices potentially involved, the better the chance a never-to-be-discovered person will file the problem away in a drawer specifically designed for items requiring a decision.
Never say without qualification that your activity has sufficient space, money, staff, etc.
Always distrust offices not under your jurisdiction which say that they are there to serve you. "Support" offices in a bureaucracy tend to grow in size and make demands on you out of proportion to their service, and in the end require more effort on your part than their service is worth.
Corollary - Support organizations can always prove success by showing service to someone... not necessarily you.
Incompetents often hire able assistants.

Grierson's Law of Minimal Self- Delusion

Every man nourishes within himself a secret plan for getting rich that will not work.

Grocery Bag Law

The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the bag.

Grosch's Law

Computing power increases as the square of the cost. If you want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times slower.

Gross's Law

When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person's money, fraud will result.

Grossman's Law (Grossman's Misquote)

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

Grossman's Misquote

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

Gummidge's Law

The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.

Gumperson's Law

The probability of a given event occuring is inversely proportional to its desirability.

Corollaries:

After a salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you had before.
The more a recruit knows about a given subject, the better chance he has of being assigned to something else.
You can throw a burnt match out the window of your car and start a forest fire, but you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.
Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.
The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.
Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.

Gumperson's Proof

The most undesirable things are the most certain (death and taxes).

Gunter's First Law of Air Travel

When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, the aircraft will encounter turbulence.

Gunter's Second Law of Air Travel

The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of you coffee.

Guthman's Law of Media

Thirty seconds on the evening news is worth a front page headline in every newspaper in the world.

H

H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do.; Those who cannot -- teach.; Those who cannot teach -- administrate. (Martin's Extension)
Haberdasher's Instruction: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation or an organization to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hacker's Law of Personnel: Anyone having supervisory responsibility for the completion of a task will invariably protest that more resources are needed.
Hagerty's Law: If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both.
Haldane's Law: The Universe is not only queerer than we imagine, it is queerer than we CAN imagine.
Hale's Rule: The sumptuousnss of a company's annual report is in inverse proportion to its profitability that year.
Hall's Law: There is a statistical correlation between the number of initials in an Englishman's name and his social class (the upper class having significantly more than three names, while members of the lower class average 2.6).
Halpern's Observation: The tendancy to err that programmers have been noticed to share with other human beings has often been treated as if it were an awkwardness attendant upon programming's adolescence, which (like acne) would disappear with the craft's coming of age. It has proved otherwise.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Hardin's Laws: Every time you come up with a terrific idea, you find that someone else thought of it first.; You can never do merely one thing.
Hare's Additional Lie: This will hurt me more than it hurts you.
Harper's Law: You never find anything until you replace it.
Harper's Magazine's Law: You never find an article until you replace it.
Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken.
Harris's Law: Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
Harris's Restaurant Paradox: One of the greatest unsolved riddles of restaurant eating is that the customer usually gets faster service when the retaurant is crowded than when it is half empty; it seems that the less the staff has to do, the slower they do it.
Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Hart's Law: In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything.
Hart's Law of The Conservation of Filth: In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty.; Freedman's Extension; You can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.
Hartig's "How Is Good Old Bill?" Didn't you know we're divorced Law: If there is a wrong thing to say, one will.
Hartig's Sleeve in the Cup, Thumb in the Butter Law: When one is trying to be elegant and sophisticated, one won't.
Hartley's First Law: The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Hartley's Second Law: Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.
Hartley's Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've got something.
Hartman's Automotive Laws

Nothing minor ever happens to a car on the weekend.
Nothing minor ever happens to a car on a trip.
Nothing minor ever happens to a car.
Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, any experimental organism will do as it damn well pleases.
Harvard's Law, as applied to Computers: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well pleases.
Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Hawkin's Theory of Progress: Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
Hearst's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Hein's Law: Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
Heisenberg's Addendum to Brownian Bureaucracy: If you observe a bureaucrat closely enough to make the distinction above, he will react to your observation by covering his ass.
Heller's Myths of Management: The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.; Corollary (Johnson) - Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within your organization.
Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away.; Shevelson's Extension ... having done its damage.; Grelb's Addition ... if it was bad, it will be back.
Hendrickson's Law: If a problem causes many meetings, the meetings eventually become more important than the problem.
Herblock's Law: If it's good, they'll stop making it.
Herman's Observation: Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Herrnstein's Law: The total attention paid to an instructor is a constant regardless of the size of the class.
Hersh's Law: Biochemistry expands to fill the space and time available for its completion and publication.
Law of Hierachical Communications: The inevitable result of improved communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit your clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
Law of Highway Construction: The most heavily traveled streets spend the most time under construction.
Hildebrand's Law: The quality of a department is inversely proportional to the number of courses it lists in its catalogue.
Hill's Commentaries on Murphy's Laws

If we lose much by having things go wrong, take all possible care.
If we have nothing to lose by change, relax.
If we have everything to gain by change, relax.
If it doesn't matter, it does not matter.
Hind's Laws of Computer Programming

The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Historian's Rule: Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.
First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
Hoare's Law of Large Programs: Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
Rhode's Corollary to Hoare's Law: Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine struggling to be free.
Hoare's Law of Larger Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Hofstatler's Law: Things always take twice as long as you anticipate, even if you take into account Hofstatler's Law. (This corollary is often elevated to the rank of a law. Since it is only a special case of Murphy's Law, though, it provides further justification for elevating Murphy's Law to a demi-law.)
Hogg's Law of Station Wagons: The amount of junk is in direct proportion to the amount of space available.; Baggage Corollary - If you go on a trip taking two bags with you, one containing everything you need for the trip and the other containing absolutely nothing, the second bag will be completely filled with junk acquired on the trip when you ret
Holsworth's Laws

If you can only do one thing well there is no market for it.
You can never do just one thing.
Holten's Homilies

The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The one who does the least work, will get the most credit.
Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Horngren's Observation (generalized): The real world is a special case.
Horowitz's Rule: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years.
Horticulturists Two Laws

Grass growing from sidewalk cracks never turns brown.
The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely with its price and directly with it's ugliness.
Howard's First Law of Theater: Use it.
Howe's Law: Every man has a scheme that will not work.
Hubbard's Law: Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
Hull's Theorem: The combined pull of several patrons is the sum of their separate pulls multiplied by the number of patrons.
Hull's Warning: Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
Hunter's Theory of Personnel Recruitment: Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.

I

IBM Pollyanna Principle (IBM'S Incorrect Principle)

Machines should work. People should think.

Idea Formula

One man's brain plus one other will produce about one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many.

The Ike Tautology

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been before.

Corollary - Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Iles's Law

There is an easier way to do it.

Corollaries:

When looking directly at the easier way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
Neither will Iles.

Imhoff's Law

The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank -- the REALLY big chunks always rise to the top.

Law of Inanimate Mobility

All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way

The Inapplicable Law

Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.

Index of Development

The degree of a country's development is measured by the ratio of the price of an automobile to the cost of a haircut. The lower the ratio, the higher the degree of development.

Law of the Individual

Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing.

Law of Inertia

Where there's a will, there's a won't.

Law of Inside Dope

There are many inside dopes in politics and government.

Law of Institutions

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

Law of Insurance Rates And Taxes

Whatever goes up, stays up.

Iron Law of Distribution

Them what has -- gets. Wakefield's Refutation of the Iron Law of Distribution:

Them what gets -- has.

Issawi's Law of Aggression

At any given moment, a society contains a certain amount of accumulatedand accruing aggressiveness. If more than 21 years elapse without this aggressiveness being directed outward, in a popular war against other countries, it turns inward, in social unrest, civil disturbances, and political disruption.

Issawi's Law of Consumption Patterns

Other people's patterns of expenditure and consumption are highly irrational and slightly immoral.

Issawi's Law of Cynics

Cynics are right nine times out of ten; what undoes them is their belief that they are right ten times out of ten.

Issawi's Law of Dogmatism

When we call others dogmatic, what we really object to is their holding dogmas that are different from our own.

Issawi's Law of Estimation of Error

Experts in advanced countries underestimate by a factor of 2 to 4 the ability of people in underdeveloped countries to do anything technical.

Issawi's Law of Frustration

One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.

Issawi's Law of the Conservation of Evil

The total amount of evil in any system remains constant. Hence, any diminution in one direction -- for instance, a reduction in poverty or unemployment -- is accompanied by an increase in another, e.g., crime or air pollution.

Issawi's Law of the Social Sciences

By the time a social science theory is formulated in such a way that it can be tested, changing circumstances have already made it obsolete.

Issawi's Laws of Committo-Dynamics

Comitas comitatum, omnia comitas.
The less you enjoy serving on committees, the more likely you are to be pressed to do so.

Issawi's Laws of Progress

The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse.

The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.

The Dialectics of Progress: Direct action produces direct reaction.

The Pace of Progress: Society is a mule, not a car... If pressed too hard, it will kick and throw off its rider.

Issawi's Observation on the Consumption of Paper

Each system has its own way of consuming vast amounts of paper: in socialist societies by filling large forms in quadruplicate, in capitalist societies by putting up huge posters and wrapping every article in four layers of cardboard.

Italian Proverb

She who is silent consents.

J

Jacob' Law: To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is even more human.
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
Jake's Law: Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
Jaroslovsky's Law: The distance you have to park from your apartment increases in proportion to the weight of packages you are carrying.
Jay's Laws of Leadership

Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them before anyone else is creativity.
To build something that endures, it is of the greatest important to have a long tenure in office -- to rule for many years. You can achieve a quick success in a year or two, but nearly all of the great tycoons have continued their building much longer.
Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.
Jinny's Law: There is no such thing as a short beer. (As in, "I'm going to stop off at Joe's for a short beer before on the way home.")
John Cameron's Law: No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered, take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
John's Axiom: When your opponent is down, kick him.
John's Collateral Corollary: In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
Johns Laws of Problems

Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of.
Urgency varies inversely with importance.
Johnson's First Law: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time.
Johnson's First Law of Auto Repair: Any tool dropped while repairing an automobile will roll under the car to the vehicle's exact geographic center.
Johnson's Law: The number of minor illnesses among the employees is inversely proportional to the health of the organization.
Johnson's Laws

When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient time.
If, in the course of several months, only three worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same evening.
If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue containing the article, story, or installment you were most anxious to read.
Corollary - All of your friends either missed it, lost it, or threw it out.
Johnson's Second Law: If, in the course of several months, only three worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same evening.
Johnson's Third Law: If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue that contains the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read.
Johnson-Laird's Law: Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.
Jones' Law (Nixon's Law): The man who can smile when things go wrong -- has thought of someone he can blame it on.
Jones' Motto: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.; McClaughry's Codicil on Jones's Motto: To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
Jones's Principle: Needs are a function of what other people have.
Joslyn's Law of Conferences: The most interesting paper will be presented at the same time as the second most interesting paper.
Journalistic Principle: If a headline ends in a question mark, the answer is no.
Juhani's Law: The compromise will always be more expensive than either of the suggestions it's compromising.
Julia's Law of Kitchen of Confusion: Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it will only make it worse.
Julian's Law: If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.

K

Kafka's Law

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

Kamin's Laws (Banin's Laws)

All currencies will decrease in value and purchasing power over the long term, unless they are freely and fully convertable into gold and that gold is traded freely without restrictions of any kind.
Threat of capital controls accelerates marginal capital outflows.
Combined total taxation from all levels of government will always increase (until the government is replaced by war or revolution).
Government inflation is always worse than statistics indicate: central bankers are biased toward inflation when the money unit is non-convertible, and without gold or silver backing.
Purchasing power of currency is always lost far more rapidly than ever regained. (Those who expect even fluctuations in both directions play a losing game.)
When attempting to predict and forecast macro-economic moves or economic legislation by a politician, never be misled by what he says; instead watch what he does.
Politicians will always inflate when given the opportunity.

Kamin's Laws of economics

All currencies will decrease in value and purchasing power over the long term, unless they are freely and fully convertible into gold and that gold is traded freely without restrictions of any kind.
Threat of capital controls accelerates marginal capital outflows.
Combined total taxation from all levels of government will always increase (until the government is replaced by war or revolution).
Government inflation is always worse than statistics indicate: central bankers are biased toward inflation when the money unit is non-convertible, and without gold or silver backing.
Purchasing power of currency is always lost far more rapidly than ever regained. (Those who expect even fluctuations in both directions play a losing game.)

Kaplan's Law of the Instrument

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.

Katz's Law

Men, women and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Katz's Maxims

Where are the calculations that go with the calculated risk?
Inventing is easy for staff outfits. Stating a problem is much harder. Instead of stating problems, people like to pass out half- accurate statements together with half-available solutions which they can't finish and which they want you to finish.
Every organization is self-perpetuating. Don't ever ask an outfit to justify itself, or you'll be covered with facts, figures, and fancy. The criterion should rather be, "What will happen if the outfit stops doing what it's doing?" The value of an organization is more easily determined this way.
Try to find out who's doing the work, not who's writing about it, controlling it, or summarizing it.
Watch out for formal briefings; they often produce an avalanche (a high-level snow job of massive and overwhelming proportions).
The difficulty of the coordination task often blinds one to the fact that a fully coordinated piece of paper is not supposed to be either the major or the final product of the organization, but it often turns out that way.
Most organizations can't hold more than one idea at a time. Thus complementary ideas are always regarded as competetive. Further, like a quantized pendulum, an organization can jump from one extreme to the other, without ever going through the middle.
Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is it being done, or is it something to be done? Reports are now written in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for novel uses of "contractor grammar", defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.

Keiko's Law of Golf

The only way to avoid hitting a tree is to aim at it.

Kelley's Law

Last guys don't finish nice.

Kelly's Law

An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.

Kennedy's Law

Excessive official restraints on information are inevitably self-defeating and productive of headaches for the officials concerned.

Kensington's Law of Shoemaking

No matter how long it takes for you to get back to pick up the shoes the shoemaker will tell you that they won't be ready until tomorrow.

Kensington's Observation

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Kent's Law

The only way a reporter should look at a politician is down.

Kerr-Martin Law

In dealing with their OWN problems, faculty members are the most extreme conservatives.
In dealing with OTHER people's problems, they are the world's most extreme liberals.

Kettering's Laws

If you want to kill any idea in the world today, get a committee working on it.
If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

Key to Status

S = D/K. S is the status of a person in an organization, D is the number of doors he must open to perform his job, and K is the number of keys he carries. A higher number denotes higher status. Thus the janitor needs to open 20 doors and has 20 keys (S = 1), a secretary has to open two doors with one key (S = 2), but the president never has to carry any keys since there is always someone around to open doors for him (with K = 0 and a high D, his S reaches infinity).

Keyes Rules of Misquotation

Axiom 1. Any quotation that can be altered will be.

Corollary 1A: Vivid words hook misquotes in the mind.
Corollary 1B: Numbers are hard to keep straight.
Corollary 1C: Small changes can have a big impact (or: what a difference an a makes).
Corollary 1D: If noted figures don't say what needs to be said, we'll say it for them.
Corollary 1E: Journalists are a less than dependable source of accurate quotes.
Corollary 1F: Famous dead people make excellent commentators on current events.

Axiom 2. Famous quotes need famous mouths.

Corollary 2A: Well-known messengers get credit for clever comments they report from less celebrated mouths.
Corollary 2B: Particularly quotable figures receive more than their share of quotable quotes.
Corollary 2C: Comments made about someone might as well have been said by that person.
Corollary 2D: Who you think said something may depend on where you live.
Corollary 2E: Vintage quotes are considered to be in the public domain.
Corollary 2F: In a pinch, any orphan quote can be called a Chinese proverb.

Kharasch's Institutional Imperative

Every action or decision of an institution must be intended to keep the institution machinery working.

Corollary - The expert judgment of an institution, when the matter involved concerns continuation of the institution's operations, is totally predictable, and hence the finding is totally worthless.

Kibitzer's Constant

When you can't discover the cause of a breakdown, all of the free advice you get will be for things you've already checked.

Kirkland's Law

The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.

Kitman's Law

On the TV screen, pure drivel tends to drive off ordinary drivel.

Klipstein's Lament

All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.

Klipstein's Law

Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly.

Klipstein's Law of Specifications

In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.

Klipstein's Laws

Applied to General Engineering:

A patent application will be preceded by one week by a similar application made by an independent worker.
Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to the tightness of the schedule.
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
Any wire cut to length will be too short.

Applied to Prototyping and Production:

Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty to assemble.
If a project requires n components, there will be n-1 units in stock.
A motor will rotate in the wrong direction.
A failsafe circuit will destroy others.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
A purchased component or instrument will meet its specs long enough, and only long enough, to pass incoming inspection.
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.

Klipstein's Observation

Any product cut to length will be too short.

Knight's Law

Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.

Knoll's Law of Media Accuracy

Everything you read in the newspapers is absolutely true except for that rare story of which you happen to have firsthand knowledge.

Knowles's Law of Legislative Deliberation

The length of debate varies inversely with the complexity of the issue.

Corollary: When the issue is trivial, and everyone understands it, debate is almost interminable.

Kohn's Second Law

Any experiment is reproducible until another laboratory tries to repeat it.

Konrads Observations on Capitalism

There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
Capitalism can exist in one of only two states -- welfare or warfare. Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.

Koppett's Law

Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest number must happen.

Korman's conclusion

The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.

Kovac's Conundrum

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy siginal.

Kristol's Law

Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin when you get what you want.

Krueger's Observation

A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.

L

La Rochefoucauld's Law: It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be deceived by them.
Labor Law: A disagreeable law is its own reward.
First Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
LaCombe's Rule of Percentages: The incidence of anything worthwhile is either 15-25 percent or 80-90 percent.; Corollary (Dudenhoefer) - An answer of 50 percent will suffice for the 40-60 range.
Lafayette's Reprisal: The squeaky wheel gets replaced.
Laird's Law: Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.
Lamb's law of car purchasing: If you buy your first new car in fifteen years, next years they will introduce a new model with twenty seven new features never seen on a car before and the introductory price of the car will be eleven hundred dollars less than you paid for yours.
Landlord's Dilemmas

The hot water heater pump that fails will only do so after 5:00 P.M. on Friday evening when every tenant in the building is having a dinner party.
The next day , the only supplier in town that stocks parts for the pump tells you that the widget needed to fix it is in a warehouse in Cleveland and the warehousemen there have been on strike for seventeen weeks.
You are forced to buy a second rate heater and pump [sold only as a package] for six hundred and fifty dollars, and have it installed by a plumber at double time rates on Sunday morning.
On Monday at 9:00:A.M. the strike is settled.
On Monday at 9:15:A.M. the hardware store owner calls and says he has found a box containing thirty seven widgets on a shelf in his back room and he will sell one to you at the old price of ten cents.
Langin's Law: If things were left to chance, they'd be better
Langsam's Second Law: Everything depends.
Lani's Principles of Economics

Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
$100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 by which time it will be worth nothing.
In God we trust; all others pay cash.
Larkinson's Law: All laws are basically false.
Larrimer's Constant: What this world needs is a damned good plague.
Larsen's Observations

Asking dumb questions. Is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
He who hesitates is probably right.
When all else fails try the boss's suggestions.
Las Vegas's Axioms

It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money
A Smith and Wesson beats a royal flush.
The Last Law: If several things that could have gone wrong did not go wrong, it would ultimately have been better if they had gone wrong.
de la Lastra's Law: After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
de la Lastra's Corollary: After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
Law of Late-Comer: Those who have the shortest distance to travel invariably arrive latest.
Law of Late-Comers: Those who have the shortest distance to travel invariably arrive latest.
Laura's Law: No child throws up in the bathroom.
Law of Lawmaking: Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
Laws of Applied Confusion

The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment.
Corollary - Not only did the plant forget to ship it, 50% of the time they haven't even made it.
Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you are waiting for the truck.
After adding two weeks to the schedule for unexpected delays, add two more for the unexpected, unexpected delays.
In any structure, pick out the one piece that should not be mismarked and expect the plant to cross you up.
Corollaries:

In any group of pieces with the same erection mark on it, one should not have that mark on it.
It will not be discovered until you try to put it where the mark says it's supposed to go.
Never argue with the fabricating plant about an error. The inspection prints are all checked off, even to the holes that aren't there.
Laws of Computability as Applied to Social Science

Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
Laws of Dormitory Life

The amount of trash accumulated within the space occupied is exponentially proportional to the number of living bodies that enter and leave within any given amount of time.
Since no matter can be created or destroyed (excluding nuclear and cafeteria substances), as one attempts to remove unwanted material (i.e., trash) from one's living space, the remaining material mutates so as to occupy 30 to 50 percent more than its original volume.
Corollary - Dust breeds.
The odds are 6:5 that if one has late classes, one's roommate will have the EARLIEST possible classes.
Corollary 1: One's roommate (who has early classes) has an alarm clock that is louder than God's own.
Corollary 2: When one has an early class, one's roommate will invariably enter the space late at night and suddenly become hyperactive, ill, violent, or all three.
Laws of Fashion and Fads

Indecent 10 years before its time,
Daring 1 year before its time,
Chic in its time,
Dowdy 3 years after its time,
Hideous 20 years after its time,
Amusing 30 years after its time,
Romantic 100 years after its time,
Beautiful 150 years after its time.
Laws of Gardening

Other people's tools work only in other people's yards.
Fancy gizmos don't work.
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
You get the most of what you need the least.
Laws of Government

If anything can go wrong, it will do so, in triplicate.
Things go right so they can go wrong.
Men and nations will act responsibly when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Life liberty or property are not safe while the legislature is in session.
Laws of Institutional Food

Everything is cold except what should be.
Everything, including the corn flakes, is greasy.
Laws of Procrastination

Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (the authority who imposed the deadline).
It reduces anxiety by reducing the expected quality of the project from the best of all possible efforts to the best that can be expected given the limited time.
Status is gained in the eyes of others, and in one's own eyes, because it is assumed that the importance of the work justifies the stress.
Avoidance of interruptions including the assignment of other duties can be achieved, so that the obviously stressed worker can concentrate on the single effort.
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
It may eliminate the job if the need passes before the job can be done.
Laws of Revision

The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn.
If, when completion of a design is imminent, field dimensions are finally supplied as they actually are, instead of as they were meant to be, it will be easier to start all over.
After painstaking and careful analysis of a sample, you are always told that it is the wrong sample and doesn't apply to the problem.
Corollary - It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
Laws of Serendipity

In order to discover anything you must be looking for something.
If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.
Laws of Telephone Dynamics

The phone call you've been waiting for comes the minute you close and lock the door and start walking downstairs or when you have just comfortably immersed your entire body in a tub full of water.
Whomever you call will always have just left for the day, one minute ago.
You never get a busy signal when you dial a wrong number .
Laws of the Frisbee

The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just beyond reach. (The technical term for this force is "car suck".)
The higher the quality of a catch or the comment it receives, the greater the probability of a crummy return throw. ("Good catch. . . Bad throw.")
One must never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than, "Watch this!" (Keep 'em guessing.)
The higher the costs of hitting any object, the greater the certainty it will be struck. (Remember: The disk is positive; cops and old ladies are clearly negative.)
The best catches are never seen. ("Did you see that?" "See what?")
The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a direction you did not want. (Wrong way = long way.)
The most powerful hex words in the sport are: "I really have this down -- watch." (Know it? Blow it!)
In any crowd of spectators at least one will suggest that razor blades could be attached to the disc. ("You could maim and kill with that thing.")
The greater your need to make a good catch, the greater the probability your partner will deliver his worst throw. (If you can't touch it, you can't trick it.)
The single most difficult move with a disc is to put it down. ("Just one more!")
Laws of Understanding

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.
Lawson's Paradox: The average woman would